Australian Cricket Team Sentenced to Death for National Shame

Anonymous

In a surprise decision this morning, Cricket Australia has taken the entirely reasonable step of sentencing the entire Australian cricket team to death by hanging. The decision follows days of public outcry after it was revealed there was a conspiracy to tamper with the ball in the Third Test in Capetown. Ball tampering is a Level 2 offence under International Cricket Council rules and carries a maximum penalty of a one match ban.

Cricket Australia CEO James Sutherland fronted the media to state that Australians demanded higher standards and that the death penalty was the only acceptable response to such an incident. This joins the chorus of pundits demanding for heads to roll, many taking to Cricket Australia Facebook posts to give their opinions

“Hanging is too quick a death for the damage they have down to our great nation. Crucifixion would be a more fitting punishment,” comments Glen, a retiree who sometimes watches the Big Bash.

When pressed whether Australia would be lobbying the South African government to imprison Captain Faf du Plessis, twice convicted of ball tampering, Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull stated that South Africans don’t know any better and the same standards should not apply.